sunshine through the fog

gone are the days of clubbing and count-downs. we don't celebrate x'mas. to us, it's just another much-welcomed holiday to rest and vegetate. don't even feel like going out for meals as believe most places will be

1. crowded
2. serving exorbitant and below-par xmas sets
3. crowded
4. crowded
5. crowded

so we've not actually been out of the house the whole of x'mas! meals are all provided by moi (what's new? :p). 

gosh... sounds like we're turning into hermits!?!??!! oh well...

 x'mas eve dinner...

x'mas brunch...

x'mas dinner...

<no photos - forgot =_=>

<basically it's just simple homely stuff i.e. 老黄瓜汤 + vegs + rice>

hermits or hermits, we had a nice leisurely x'mas. you? :) 

today...

i certainly don't feel 30.

nor, i'm repeatedly told by well-meaning friends et al, do i look 30.

but i am going to be 30. in 30 mins time...  

it's just a number, i know. doesn't mean much, really. and frankly, not much impact to me.

except, i still do feel... ... ...

kinda old... :p

and i'm still wide awake. once in a while, i get these bouts of insomnia.

hate it.

hate it hate it hate it.

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finally we start planning our wedding. have got list of dates. have sent list of dates out to hotels checking availability.

that's how far we've come... :p

but i'm looking forward to it. not to the actual dinner and humdrum, truth be told. but the officiality of it. something that i used to think didn't bother me but which i now know better - it does. 

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life is really unpredictable, you know. very scary.

anyone who's known me for long enough, well enough would've sensed how much i've changed over the past year and a half ever since then.

change. for the better or for the worse? a bit of each, i guess. on the plus side, i think i've got my priorities (more) right now. i know what's important to me and what's really superficial. there're things i used to hold high but now, i'd give them up at the snap for people i'd never leave voluntarily. 

but i've also become a coward. i live in constant fear. constant apprehension. of bad things happening. to my loved ones. to me. i think undesirable thoughts of what i'd do should these bad things happen. paranoia? i hope that's what it really is. because it's only paranoia if it never happens, right?

but then, i chanced upon this that day. it's a food blog i used to frequent. then she stopped posting since oct last year and i stopped going. a link took me back and i realise the blog's been updated since sep this year. and it's taken me aback - what she updated. i was shocked and surprised. and confused. she's got cancer. but still she sounds so upbeat and positive - even continuing to post recipes as part of her journey. she even sounds cheery.

i want to ask why. but i know the answer i'd get. it's in her blog too.

but i don't.  

i do respect and admire her very much for her positiveness nevertheless.

eatzybitzy - if you're reading this, i wish you all the best and a real speedy recovery.