sunshine through the fog

and i'm still wide awake. once in a while, i get these bouts of insomnia.

 

hate it.

 

hate it hate it hate it.

 

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finally we start planning our wedding. have got list of dates. have sent list of dates out to hotels checking availability.

 

that's how far we've come... :p

 

but i'm looking forward to it. not to the actual dinner and humdrum, truth be told. but the officiality of it. something that i used to think didn't bother me but which i now know better - it does. 

 

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life is really unpredictable, you know. very scary.

 

anyone who's known me for long enough, well enough would've sensed how much i've changed over the past year and a half ever since then.

 

change. for the better or for the worse? a bit of each, i guess. on the plus side, i think i've got my priorities (more) right now. i know what's important to me and what's really superficial. there're things i used to hold high but now, i'd give them up at the snap for people i'd never leave voluntarily. 

 

but i've also become a coward. i live in constant fear. constant apprehension. of bad things happening. to my loved ones. to me. i think undesirable thoughts of what i'd do should these bad things happen. paranoia? i hope that's what it really is. because it's only paranoia if it never happens, right?

 

but then, i chanced upon this that day. it's a food blog i used to frequent. then she stopped posting since oct last year and i stopped going. a link took me back and i realise the blog's been updated since sep this year. and it's taken me aback - what she updated. i was shocked and surprised. and confused. she's got cancer. but still she sounds so upbeat and positive - even continuing to post recipes as part of her journey. she even sounds cheery.

 

i want to ask why. but i know the answer i'd get. it's in her blog too.

 

but i don't.  

 

i do respect and admire her very much for her positiveness nevertheless.

 

eatzybitzy - if you're reading this, i wish you all the best and a real speedy recovery.