sunshine through the fog

bit of a morbid title for a post on the 1st day of the chinese seventh month...

just something i thought off as i walked back today and saw an old ah-ma burning offerrings at the field next to my condo.

my first thought was, "is that safe? will the field go a-fire?"

my second thought was, "should i burn some for my mom?"

though we already did last sat - it's been one (chinese) year since that dreadful day. i don't like to call it anniversary / whatever because i don't think it's anything worth commemorating. or remembering, for that matter. i remember because i think she'd hate for me to forget.

and i burn incense and offerrings for her. no matter that i dislike the smell and heat and dust. because i'm worried that if these things are real, and i insist on not doing it because i don't believe, then she'd go without. so i do it. just in case.

so in a way, i've gone from a non-believer to a partial believer.

and in another way, from a believer to a non-believer.