sunshine through the fog

I go to work. I meet up with friends. I laugh. I joke. I look normal.

I tell people I'm ok. So long as I don't have to talk about it. And most of the time I mean it.

But I see you everywhere. I see you sitting with the aunties at the hawker centre chatting. I see you feeding the cats you so love on the streets. I see you admiring potted plants and contemplating buying just that one more pot back because it's gonna look so pretty when it blooms. I see your face on the woman hunched over fruits. I see you on the woman having dinner with her daughter. I envy her so. Because she still has the chance to. And I don't.

I see you walking along the streets. I see you amidst the fireworks in the sky. I think how you'd have enjoyed it if only you can see it. I see you sitting opposite me telling me what this auntie did and that auntie said. I hear you tell me the same cat story for the tenth time. I can predict the exact words and expression you use. I don't stop you because I know how much you love telling that to me.

They say I must stop thinking about it. They say I mustn't think too much. They say I must be strong.

But I worry. I worry if I stop thinking about you one day I'd not remember what you look like. I fear that one day I won't be able to imagine you in front of me. Because that's all I have left of you. Memories. If one day I forget what else will I have.

The pain. It makes me cry. Every day. Not heaving. Not brawling. Just tears streaming down my cheeks. But I don't want it to go away. Because it reminds me of you. And I don't want that to stop. If the pain stops then what? That day will come. The logical part of me tells me. But I don't want it to.