sunshine through the fog

Is this a right decision? Really don't have a good answer. Everyone have different views but none of them absolute. 

Am I being too decadent? 

Am I being a plain sloth?

Are my priorities in the right order?

I don't know I don't know I don't know. 

What I do know is I'm very happy my darling and brother are so supportive of me. 

I feel very 幸福 at this moment, regardless of what happens in the next few months. 

I've been hearing this phrase a couple times lately - children are gifts from God. Though it's been a while since I've thought about believing in that. But perhaps that is that. I've been given so much - perhaps too much so it's necessary to withhold something? No one can possibly know or have an answer to. I just want to enjoy what I've now and not have to worry about what happens. Easier said than done, but I have to try. I will try. My very best....

of my sabbatical.

Though almost a month has gone by with me not working - so that's 25% of my sabb gone.

Time really flies. Everyone ask me what I've been doing. Only answer I can give is - nothing much really!

I mean, why do I have to do stuff specially? It's my time to relax, recharge, reenergise. Sure, a lot of people take this time to go round the world. But if that's not what I want to / can do, then that's not a problem is it?

Doinig nothing prettty much is a luxury in itself. :)

My long awaited sabbatical...

And the start of another cycle...

Not sure whether I should be happy or sad. Instinct points meekly at the latter though optimism dictates the former.

I used to be a firm believer of what will be will be - until 4 years ago.

I wish I can regain that faith...

Sometimes, some of the things I've done creep back that'd make me cringe at simply the thought of another person knowing.

These are things that're total embarassments. Times where I've been a fool, a nerd, a slut, a beast, an imbecile. Things that I wish I can forget they ever happened.

Or should I?

Because they're all the things that make up ME as of NOW. Without them, will I turn out different? Different good or different bad?

Perhaps I shouldn't regret them. As perhaps without them, I might not have had the chance to meet who I met, to know what I do, to have the type of self-awareness that I shouldn't repeat those horrendous mistakes.

I guess the question is - do I want to be different from me as I am now?

And the question is no.

Yes, there're parts of me now I hope that might change, that I'm not satisfied with, that I hope will go away.

Yes - I especially regret the times when I've hurt someone, especially someone close and dear to my heart, through my actions and I've not had the chance to remedy them.

But there's always the danger that if these bad parts go away, the good stuff in my life now will follow. And that is too scary a thought for me to even entertain.

So yes - I'm happy enough to take the bad with the good and not hope for a Ctrl-Z in my life.

- inspired by 第二回合我爱你

to the day. and to a healthy lifestyle... *grin*

Note: In case it's not obvious, it's a breakfast of oatmeal with honey, banana and mixed nuts and dried fruits. :-)

I've been thinking a lot as to why these things keep happening to me.

Is it a test?

Is it because one can never be too happy?

Is it a balancing?

Is it Karma?

Is it retribution?

I don't know. And I'll probably never know.

I don't know what to do.

I know I need to be strong, I need to be positive, I need to press on.

I need to know how fortunate I am in all other aspects. And I do. I really do. I never stop wondering every day how lucky I am to have met the love of my life and that the affection is mutual.  I thank God / fate / whatever for that endlessly.

But the more one gets, the greater the fear of loss. And that fear is a persistent cloud. A cloud that refuses to disperse. And I doubt will ever do.

I'm rambling on aimlessly. I know. I shall stop now. In case I get emotional again. Which, nowadays, is an almost everyday event anyway...

When when when when when????????????????

including 2 (hopefully 3) training days... :-D

看似幸福 也确是幸福

但为何 也却是 事事不顺

天天笑容满面 却也时时以泪洗脸

放宽心 放宽心 放宽心

明知应该 却又谈何容易呢